What am I feeling

What do normal humans look like? Have my arms always looked this out of place? Are my arms too long or too short? Too wide or too narrow? They are wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on what part is wrong.

My face looks off. All its parts have the wrong shape, size and location. My head looks fake and silly, not like heads are supposed to look.

Proprioception is bothering me. It constantly makes me aware of where my left leg is, even when I’m trying to concentrate on things that have nothing to do with anyone’s left leg. What’s up with that? Why a leg, why only the left one?

I want loud music, I want to stand outside in the cold, I want physical sensations. Anything to stop the goddamn noise.

I press my tongue against my teeth. Have my teeth always been there? They feel too widely spaced and too narrowly. They are too close to the centre of my jaw. My teeth don’t fit in my mouth and they definitely shouldn’t be where they are now. I want to grab a hammer and smash them from my skull.

Has my hair always looked this ridiculous?

All proprioception is too present right now, all over my body. My ears are bombarding my brain even though the world is quiet. My eyes are doing something equivalent that I can’t describe. My skin is crawling, itching to be cut. I wish my senses could turn off for an hour; I want some rest.

Everything about my body is deformed and in the wrong place and feels like it doesn’t belong.

Isn’t it strange that depression dampens your colour vision while also heightening proprioception? Because hypomania increases both and depression should be the opposite of hypomania.

I feel like a stranger in my own body. Maybe I would feel like a stranger in any body.

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